Has the Apocalypse Come Yet?
by Faramir Fancier
Summary: What happens when Merry& Pippin give up drinking, Legolas looses his hair spray, Faramir hosts a TV show, and Boromir is alive? Also, what if Faramir and Boromir fan girls had an all-out war? Find out here!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Well, this is what happens when Merry and Pippin give up drinking, pursue their dreams of being really smart, and Legolas looses his hair spray. Faramir pursues his dreams to host a talk show, Elrond puts everyone to sleep with his ranting, Boromir is alive and kicking, and Aragorn gets booted off TV. Needless to say, mass panic ensues. Yeah. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----  
  
Scene: In a bar in Minas Tirith, along with all the living members of the Fellowship, minus Frodo and Gandalf.  
  
"Ok, we have major news." Merry says, standing up on a table.  
  
"We have decided...." Pippin continues.  
  
"To give up drinking!" Merry finishes.  
  
"NO!!! IT'S A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!" Aragorn screams, covering his ears.  
  
"RUN!! THIS BAR WILL COLLAPSE IN A FEW SECONDS!!" Legolas shrieks like a little girl.  
  
"Wonder what that was all about?" Merry asks Pippin.  
  
"Hm...Don't know." Pippin says, pulling out a tankard.  
  
"What-are-you-doing?" Merry asks, sounding like he's about to hyperventilate.  
  
"Drinking water!" Pippin says, showing Merry the water inside the tankard.  
  
"Ok." Merry says, looking like he's about to have a heart attack.  
  
"Don't worry!" Pippin says, getting up. He proceeds to sing the Green Dragon Drinking Song.  
  
"STOP! My ears!!" Merry screams and falls off the table.  
  
Meanwhile, outside, Legolas and Aragorn are standing, looking if the bar has collapsed yet.  
  
"Is the apocalypse coming yet?" Legolas whimpers.  
  
"Idiot! The apocalypse doesn't come! It, well, comes." Aragorn says.  
  
"But you just said it doesn't come!" Legolas whines.  
  
"No, you can't see it coming, it just comes." Aragorn says.  
  
"Oh! I get it!" Legolas says, standing up. "Do you see it yet?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A/N: Well, that's chapter 1. Soon, there will be more! Much more! 


	2. The Faramir Talk Show:Live from Cablevis...

A/N: Well, the apocalypse has not yet come! Whoo-hoo! Here is chapter two, in which Faramir hosts a TV show!! Yay! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Sons of the Steward LIVE! Episode 1 Take 1  
  
"Hullo, uh, welcome to Minas Tirith! I'm your host, Faramir, also known as Steward of Gondor, Prince of Ithilien, and my list of titles go on and on!" Faramir starts, while sitting in a comfy chair.  
  
"And they also include obnoxious little pest, bane of my existence...." A voice off stage states.  
  
"Did anyone just hear a voice? No? Ok, so I'm not crazy, then...." Faramir continues, looking around.  
  
"And tell them who your big guest is! Tell them!!" the same voice taunts.  
  
"Would that voice like to have an axe in it's back? I'm sure our non- violent TV viewers would not like to see that creature sprawled on the floor bleeding to death while I mirthlessly laugh." Faramir warns.  
  
"Ha! I'm just a voice! Not a person!! HA!!!" the voice/person states.  
  
"Well, if the home viewers have yet to figure off who that voice belongs to, then let me explain. That voice belongs to Boromir, also known as the reason my life was hell." Faramir sighs, as a ton of Boromir fan girls run out and pummel him.  
  
"Your life was hell? Look what I had to live with as a brother!" Boromir says, turning the camera to face him.  
  
"And look what I had for a father!" Faramir says, getting up from his chair and pulling his sword. The Boromir fan girls scream in terror and grab their torches and pitchforks and run in a mob to attack Faramir.  
  
"Enough!" The almighty authoress yells, sending a Nazgul down to smite the fan girls, who have clearly done something to upset her, and the fan girls shriek and run away.  
  
"But you were dead! Valar, this is one freaky city!" Faramir says, looking in his sword at his black eye.  
  
"Ok, besides that, why do you get to host the show? I'm older and more mature!" Boromir says proudly, flexing his muscles, as the fan girls swoon and faint.  
  
"NO! Stop it!" Faramir screams, diving under the chair.  
  
"I'm taking over this show!" Boromir yells.  
  
"No! It's my show! Plus, although you're more mature, you are also more dead." Faramir says, getting up and pointing his sword at the fan girls.  
  
"Oh, here we go. Everyone makes fun of the dead guy!" Boromir says sarcastically.  
  
"Whatever. All these celebrities have their own TV shows, so why shouldn't I? So, here we are with our camera man, Boromir, and your dashingly good looking host, me, Faramir!" Faramir enthusiastically says, flashing his perfect smile. Across the room, the Faramir fan girls faint as the Boromir fan girls look on in disgust. Boromir makes a gagging sound.  
  
"We're live from my basement, our special TV studio!" Faramir says, pointing to all different places in the basement. Boromir rolls his eyes and mutters something.  
  
"Our first guest is...." Faramir starts, but then Boromir cuts him off.  
  
"Faramir, face it. No one wants to hear you talk to some famous people! No one!"  
  
"Leave me alone, will ya? Everyone wants me! Especially that blonde chick with the sign!" Faramir says, indicating said blonde.  
  
"Are you joking? That sign says, "I love you Boromir! Call me! 1-800-Luv- Bori!" Boromir says, smiling at the girl while Faramir looks crestfallen.  
  
"Leave that girl alone!" Faramir says, while the angry mob of Boromir fan girls chase her away.  
  
"Just host your show, although the Free Peoples really want reality TV!" Boromir says.  
  
"Go screw the Free Peoples, Boromir!!!" Faramir yells, storming off set. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------- That's the end of chapter 2! Stay tuned to see what happens to Merry and Pippin, and what happens on Faramir's talk show! 


	3. Operation Narcissus is GO!

A/N: No one EVER reviews this! Starving authoress here! For future references, Narcissus is a character in Greek Mythology who fell in love with his own reflection. Please don't kill me! REVIEW SO I CAN EAT!! Also, I use American currency for some reason, probably because I want to see all the Europeans to suffer with me while we all try to figure out currency exchange. Sorry for the confusion! Free cheese biscuits to all!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter 3: Operation Narcissus a.k.a. Getting into Oxford  
  
Legolas, also known as Leggy or Lego, is taking pictures with his many fan girls. They are so amazed to get their picture with the elvish prince. Legolas really loves this, and is smiling like a goon.  
  
"Legolas!! Can I marry you?!" A crazed fan girl named Shelly shouts, running up to the prince.  
  
"Of course!" Legolas says absentmindedly, looking into a mirror.  
  
Suddenly, as in a twisted plot that only this authoress could think up, Leggy notices he needs to re-spray his hair!  
  
"GASP!" Legolas gasps.  
  
"Gasp!" The fan girls gasp.  
  
Running/prancing, he storms into his room and reaches for the hair spray....  
  
EARLIER THAT DAY....  
  
"Merry, if we want to get into Oxford, we need to read all these books and perform and experiment! How're we gonna pull it off in three weeks?" Pippin says, staring wide eyed at the letter.  
  
"Relax! All we need to read is.... MacBeth? Hamlet? Pride and Prejudice? Oliver Twist?" Merry says, looking like he is going to have a heart attack.  
  
Pippin and Merry, if you can't piece together the puzzle, have given up drinking and have decided to go to Oxford. And I don't know if that's really how you get into Oxford. So, yeah.  
  
"Experiment...experiment...think, Pippin's brain, think!" Pippin says, pacing the room.  
  
"Does conditioner and shampoo affect hair growth or loss?" Merry says, very softly, and jokingly.  
  
Suddenly, a light bulb appears over Pippin's head and switches on. A weird smile crosses his face.  
  
"THAT'S IT!!" Pippin screams, jumping up on the table. They both begin to sing the Green Dragon drinking song mentioned in a previous chapter.  
  
SKIP HALF AN HOUR....  
  
"And you're sure Lego's not in his room?" Pippin says, looking around. He is now wearing, instead of his hobbit-y clothes, a black turtleneck and black cargo jeans. He says this into a walkie-talkie.  
  
"Affirmative." Merry's voice comes out of the walkie-talkie.  
  
"Operation Narcissus is go." Pippin replies.  
  
Pippin expertly picks the lock to Leggy's room and sneaks in. He sees all these pictures of Elf girls, a picture of the Eye of Sauron, and lots of pictures of himself. He then sees a calendar that says, "Elf Chicks Bikini Edition". Pippin laughs like a maniac, and then stops when he hears a loud "SNORE!!" He jumps in fright, and then stifles laughs as he sees Legolas sucking his thumb and muttering something about "Finding Nemo". Needless to say, Leggy has been sleeping. Creeping over to the vanity, he sees the bottle of "Blonde at Heart Shampoo/Conditioner" and grabs it. He then places a bottle of "Rangerwear: all you need when you're out in the wild!" that has been placed in a bottle with a "Blonde at Heart" label and places it on the vanity. He also grabs the bottle of hair spray and sets up a spy camera. He then sneaks out.  
  
BACK TO THE TIME WHEN THE STORY STARTED....  
  
"EEK!!!" Legolas screams like a little girl. He has just noticed that his hair spray is missing. Slow, isn't he?  
  
Watching from their top-secret monitoring room with TV screens, Merry and Pippin shriek in laughter. They klink glasses filled with iced tea in celebration.  
  
"NO!! It can't be gone! I paid 20,000 Mirkwood Money for that!" Legolas screams, tearing apart his room. 20,000 Mirkwood Money is about 10,000 American dollars.  
  
"Look at his face!!" Merry cackles evilly.  
  
"Oh, well. When hair spray is no, conditioner's the way to go!" Legolas says happily as he squirts a ton of the conditioner on his head. This is the Rangerwear one, mind you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------  
  
A/N: PLEASE DON'T SPEAR ME, LEGOLAS FAN GIRLS!! I am not Shelly, the aforementioned fan girl. Feed me so I can write, do you want me to look like a human toothpick or something? God, all you cruel people out there! Review my other stories, too! No one ever does!!Anduril, Flame of the West 


	4. More of the Faramir talk Show!

A/N Here to see what happens, eh? Well, here is more of Faramir's talk show! Yay! Or not.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Sons of the Steward LIVE!! Episode 1 Take 2  
  
"I don't need your civil war. It feeds the rich while it buries the poor. Your power hungry sellin' soldiers in a human grocery store...." Faramir sings some classic Guns-N-Roses, while sitting in his comfy chair.  
  
"Hey, idiot, the camera's on!!" Boromir yells at him. His singing has just been caught on TV.  
  
"Oh, thanks a lot!" Faramir sarcastically remarks.  
  
"Ok, anyway, now that our angry host has rejoined us...." Boromir begins.  
  
"I am now able to put up with my brother's thick headedness." Faramir continues.  
  
"Did you just....  
  
"Finish my sentence?"  
  
"That's...."  
  
"Freaky!"  
  
"Stop...."  
  
"It!"  
  
"Dude, seriously...."  
  
"That's enough!"  
  
"Please, stop it. It's bad enough that I'm back from the dead! Why couldn't I have a peaceful afterlife? WHY?" Boromir screams.  
  
"Because. Look at the shoes you're filling. Look at the blood we're spilling. Look at the world we're killing! The way we've always done before...." Faramir continues to sing Guns-N-Roses.  
  
"Stop, please!" Boromir screams.  
  
"No such luck! Today is honorary Guns-N-Roses day! You know what that means...." Faramir says, looking evilly at the camera.  
  
"Uh, today's episode of the Faramir Variety Hour has been canceled due to insufficient funds. Come back tomorrow. Funding, however, was provided by the Lorien Art Foundation: Providing the Elflings of Today with a Brighter Future, the Wonders of Rohan Group: Striving to Protect the Wonders of Rohan, and the Boromir Endowment for the Arts. Arts? I support arts??" Boromir reads the supporter list while Faramir continues to sing Guns-N- Roses in the background at the top of his lungs. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------  
  
A/N Sorry for the short chapter. I am experiencing writer's block. No!!! Ok, thanks go to Guns-N-Roses for coming up with the song, which just so happens to be "Civil War". Read and Review so I can buy that tasty looking cheese basket!! 


	5. Elrond's got his groove on! And other th...

A/N: Thank you for the lovely 6 reviews! I am so joyful! You must be here to see what happens next. So here is what happened to Legolas and his beautiful Elvish hair.  
  
baphomet: thank you, I also love Guns-N-Roses, as will be demonstrated in a future chapter of my Crazy Singing Contest story!  
  
Shire girl: Here is a new update. I believe there were more.  
  
ArticulateAntagonist: Thank you for the hilarious comment; I appreciate it! Here is the update!  
  
LarndeSolen: Thanks for that definition/detecting of the apocalypse. I will keep that in mind incase I need to.  
  
boobtubesngrass: Thanks for your, uh, comments. LOL!!  
  
And thanks to any anonymous reviews who may have reviewed this and I didn't know, really must check my email! Thank you! Thank you!

* * *

"Ah, so now that I am properly groomed, I think that my fan girls are ready to see the perfect me!" Legolas says, sighing.  
  
Pippin snickers containing his laughter.  
  
"Hey! Little hobbit sneak! What the hell is wrong with you?" Legolas says, dragging Pippin out by the ears. Unfortunately for Lego, when he said 'you', his voice raised an octave, going higher, so he sounded like a girl. Oh, dear, the Legolas fans are going to kill me....  
  
"What was that? Can you say that again?" Pippin says, shaking with silent laughter.  
  
"I said, what is the matter with you?" Legolas says, again, his voice raising an octave, this time on 'matter'.  
  
"Legolas, you are a pansy Elf prince with a confused sexual identity. Don't make it worse." Elrond says, walking past. How in the name of the devil did he get into this story? That's what I want to know!!  
  
"I am NOT a PANSY!!" Legolas shrieks, sounding even more like a girl.  
  
"You are too! You can't even find a girlfriend! Explain that!" Elrond accuses.  
  
"Oh, and you've got one, have you?" Legolas says his voice rising in anger.  
  
"Yes, pansy, I do! And she's in the undying lands, getting ready! Look upon my cool shirt and be amazed!" Elrond beams, looking smug.  
  
This shirt says "Getting' Lucky in Lorien". Ok, sure. Yeah.  
  
"That's disgusting! That's vile! That's putrid!" Lego says, backing away.  
  
"Look upon the awesome shirt, ladies, and contact Lord Elrond, the hot man of Rivendell!" Elrond sys, exiting and humming a song that sounds like, "I'm too sexy for my shirt."  
  
"Look out, ladies, I've got my groove on!" Elrond yells, as the ladies in the crowd look at him like, "What the hell?" Legolas dropps Pippin like a hot potato, and runs away screaming about scummy Hobbits.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, I am at a loss. Oh, well, more is coming! The Apocalypse has not come yet, just saying. And it will be here soon! Next: More of Faramir's TV show! 


	6. Even more of the Faramir Talk Show, in w...

A/N: I thank you all for your reviews! And now, to the delight(?) of one of my reviewers, Marendigell, here is a fictional piece of work that you'd enjoy!

* * *

The Faramir Variety Hour Episode II  
  
"Hello, all!" Faramir says, smiling.  
  
"We have something special lined up for you today!" Boromir says, somewhat less energetically.  
  
"This is our own little made-for-TV drama short section, entitled, 'What would I do without you?'" Faramir says, smiling evilly.  
  
"And, also, we've been moved from Cablevision Gondor to PBS Gondor because we couldn't afford the studio we had. Wow." Boromir says, looking like he's about to cry.  
  
"Shut up! Let's just do the short piece!" Faramir says, putting the tape into a slot that says, "To be shown on my show".  
  
TITLE CARD: This is a fake. The actors are real; the characters are real, except for in one scene where we used a prosthetic dummy because such gore on reality TV would take us off PBS. Thanks. None of the events actually happened. Thanks.  
  
AND SO STARTS THE MOVIE...  
  
"Boromir, what would I do without you?" Faramir asks, sounding like he means it but he really doesn't.  
  
"Not have a good-looking camera man, that's what." Boromir replies.  
  
"Also, I wouldn't be ridiculed by my family." Faramir says, looking off into space. A flashback starts.  
  
**/FLASHBACK!** /

We see a 25-year-old Boromir and a 20-year-old Faramir in the throne room.  
  
"Father, can I have a party?" Boromir asks.  
  
"Of course." Denethor replies.  
  
"Can I invite Arwen?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Can I be Arwen's husband?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Can I have some money to buy some...stuff?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Can I have some money to redo my room that is in such a state that the Society for the Protection of Gondorian Welfare, also called S.P.G.W., would put you in jail?" Faramir asks.  
  
"NO!!"  
  
"Can I have some money to buy some new clothes?"  
  
"NO!!"  
  
"Can I kill you?"  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
"Can I...."  
  
"BRING WOOD AND OIL!!"  
  
"Crap."  
  
**/UNFLASHBACK/  
**  
"That's sad. That's where I'd be _with_ you." Faramir says, tears coming to his eyes.  
  
"Oh, get over it! You're such a wuss! You never do anything good!" Boromir says.  
  
"That's it!!!" Faramir yells, picking up an axe from the wall.  
  
"No, what are you doing? What are you doing?" Boromir screams.  
  
"This is THE END!!" Faramir screams, as we see his shadow plunge the axe into Boromir's shadow's body on the wall.  
  
Blood spurts from the almost dead Boromir on the floor. Faramir mirthlessly laughs.  
  
Just then, Marendigell runs out and hugs Faramir for killing "Stupid Boromir." The authoress does the same.  
  
Boromir is bleeding to death.  
  
"What would I do without you, Boromir?" Faramir asks.  
  
"Succeed in all your future goals, become Steward, and marry the beautiful blonde." Boromir says his last words.  
  
Faramir cries for his brother, as the curtain closes on the short story.

We see the intrepid two-man crew sitting on the couch in Faramir's basement. Boromir has gone pale. Obviously, he didn't see the end. Faramir is smirking. And if that story really sucked, I know it did, I was at a loss of how to write that. Sorry, all! And no, Boromir did not get killed. That was the prosthetic dummy. Suddenly, Eowyn comes out, looking at the two.  
  
"What's going on?" She asks. A loud CRASH is heard in the direction of the kitchen.  
  
"AHA! Aye, avast! Eat lead, ye halfwits! The great and powerful Legolas shall rule ye with his mighty hand! He hast descendeth from on High to smite the mortals! He has smote the enemy on the mountainside. His blonde hair is brilliant; never again shall a mortal look upon him! All shall love me and despair, I shall smite thee!" Legolas screams. He has gone insane. I am sorry; we couldn't save him.  
  
"What?" Eowyn screams. "Faramir, that was my antique china from Rohan. This is coming out of this show's income."  
  
"But, we're on public Television! We don't have income!" Faramir says, hiding behind Boromir.  
  
"Desendeth from on High? What the hell?" Boromir asks.  
  
"Ye mortals have not the heart to stand up to Legolas the Mighty! Thee hast been killed by the Mighty Legolas! I shall lead the revolution! Long live the Republic! Down with the House of Stewards! Thine subjects have been subjects of smite! Thine people mournest thou!" Legolas screams, appearing on top of an overturned couch dressed like Napoleon.  
  
"THEY HAVE A CAVE TROLL!" Boromir says; getting caught up in the moment.  
  
"No, you foolish mortal! They haveth a cave troll. HAVETH!!" Legolas screms.  
  
"THEY HAVETH A CAVE TROLL!" Boromir says.  
  
"Much better."  
  
"Smite me not, mighty Legolas. I willst follow your rule, thine subjects adorn thou!" Faramir says. Eowyn looks on.  
  
"And you, shieldmaiden? What say you?" Legolas says.  
  
"LINE STEALER!!!" Aragorn screams, trying to kill Legolas. He is restrained.  
  
"Uh, oh mighty Legolas, release not your wrath upon a pathetic mortal like I!" Eowyn says, without much emotion.  
  
"Fair maiden, what be your name?" Aragorn asks Eowyn. Why have I made everyone talk like freaks? Because!  
  
"My name is Eowyn, mighty Lord." She says.  
  
"May I ask if thou are married?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"Nay, I am not." Eowyn says.  
  
"I thought you were married to me!" Faramir says, shocked.  
  
"No, you're too much of a pansy for me to like you. You got wounded and couldn't fight in battle. You're a wuss." Eowyn says. Nice, isn't she? Marendigell runs out and slaps Eowyn upside the head for bad-talking Faramir. She amazingly recovers.  
  
"If I asked if thou would wed me, would thou do it?" Aragorn says.  
  
"But of course!" Eowyn says.  
  
"Will thou marry me?" Aragorn asks Eowyn.  
  
"OF COURSE!!" Eowyn says, as the two go off to get married.  
  
"Why? Why is it always me? It's always me!!!" Faramir moans.  
  
"Hey, don't look at me!" Boromir says.  
  
"Pathetic mortals, I leave thou." Legolas says, running away, screaming curses in French.  
  
"I though I was going to wed the blonde chick?" Faramir says.  
  
"Think again, man." Boromir says.  
  
"Oh, well. I'm single, ladies, if anyone's interested." Faramir says, looking at the camera.

* * *

A/N: I bet some of you are interested!! Ha. So, you know what to do! Review! I need to know how many women are interested in marrying Faramir for use in another chapter! This chapter did nothing. And you learned how to speak like you're from the Olde English Period. Ye must be proud. Oh, gods, it's contagious! HELP ME!! Erm, sorry.


	7. The Great Episode in which the TV crew, ...

A/N: Chapter 7, entitled, "In which Legolas get the TV crew, the Hobbits, Aragorn, Elrond, and Eowyn into major trouble, riddles are not answered, and Elrond proceeds to bore us to death." Also, here is the first total for the question of Who Wants to Marry Faramir: Faramir = 5, Boromir = 1. Send in your answers! On with the story! I would like to thank all my loyal reviewers, which is like, 6 people or something. Don't I feel loved? No! I don't, and it's all your fault!!

* * *

"Lego, this had better be good." Aragorn growled, following the energetic Legolas into Eryn Lasgalen.  
  
"This is wonderful! I could just sing!" Legolas says, dancing around like a maniac.  
  
"Please, don't sing. Not after last time...." Aragorn begs. Another flashback begins....  
  
**/FLASHBACK!!/**  
  
"Lego, what the hell are you doing?" A rather annoyed Boromir asks.  
  
"I am practicing for my opera!" Legolas says, smirking.  
  
"What opera?" Boromir asks, puzzled.  
  
"It's called, 'A taste of Elvish Wine'. It'll be the next big thing!" Lego shrieks.  
  
"All right, let's hear some of this 'opera'." Boromir says, smirking.  
  
"Ok." Lego says. "The HILLS are a-LIVE with the snores of DRUNKARDS! With SNORES I will never hear AGAIN!!! Is that MERRY or PIP, are they really DRUNKARDS? I'll never DRINK AGAIN!!" Legolas says, as all the glass in the house, which happens to be Elrond's, shatters.  
  
"Look what you've done!" Elrond says, chasing them with hot oil.  
  
"RUN!!!!" Boromir says, running for his life.  
  
"Hot oil! I can fry my corn chips!" Legolas says, bouncing up and down like a hyper bunny. A hyper bunny? What will I think of next?  
  
"You b--------[I took the liberty to delete the mad rantings of Elrond because I don't want to further scar your lives.]" Elrond screams curses at Legolas and everyone starts to laugh, except for the Legolas fans who will probably want to roast me alive.  
  
"RUN, PRINCE OF MIRKWOOD, RUN!!!!" Boromir screams.  
  
Aragorn happens to wander onto the scene at this moment. He sees Legolas being chased and starts to laugh his head off. What's so funny? I don't get it.  
  
"What's going on, son of Gondor?" Aragorn asks Boromir.  
  
"Oh, Legolas is going to be fried, and Elrond is as mad as a wet hen." Boromir says. I just love that expression! Ha.  
  
**/UNFLASHBACK!!/  
**  
"Look! More of my friends!" Lego says, seeing Merry, Pippin, and Sam walking up the path. Merry is reading "Hamlet" aloud to Pippin.  
  
"Why are they here?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"Because!" Lego says, skipping around like a (cough) pansy (cough, cough).  
  
"Oh." Aragorn says. Suddenly, he sees Boromir and Faramir trudging up the hill. Boromir is busy filming something.  
  
"And they're here because...?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"They're gonna film us!" Lego says, still skipping around. He has eaten too much sugar. Sugar high!  
  
"FILM?" Aragorn asks.  
  
Then, Elrond walks up the hill in a black jacket and sunglasses. Matrix wanna-be!  
  
"And he's here why?" Aragorn asks. The look of panic on his face is classic.  
  
Just then, Eowyn walks up the hill, looking all happy.  
  
"Hello, Aragorn, dear." She says.  
  
"I THOUGH YOU MARRIED MY DAUGHTER?!!" Elrond screams.  
  
"No, she went to the Undying Lands." Aragorn says.  
  
"Are we all here? Good." Legolas says.  
  
They head into the woods, Boromir going snap-happy and taking many pictures with his camera, and also filming. Gifted, isn't he?  
  
"Alright, welcome, everyone, to Eryn Lasgalen, also called the woods." Legolas says. "Now, before I hand you over to the spiders-- I mean, before I take you on a tour, I want to stress the rules: stay with the group, don't wander off alone, and don't touch the mushrooms. And stay in the cart."  
  
"What mushrooms?" Pip asks, as Lego gets an evil look in his eye.  
  
"THE mushrooms. The KILLER mushrooms." Lego says, smiling evilly.  
  
"Ohh." Pip says, going back to his novel.  
  
"Alright? Everyone here? Ok, off we go." Legolas says, leading the small group into the woods.  
  
A small tour trolley pulls up, and the group piles in.  
  
"And on our right is a mallorn tree. And here's some kingsfoil, also called athelas." Lego says, pointing everything out. Pip reaches out to grab a mushroom, when....  
  
"FOOL OF A TOOK!! DO YOU WANT TO DIE??" Gandalf screams from the back of the cart, causing everyone to jump in his or her seats.  
  
"GOD, Mithrandir, why the HELL did you do that for?!" Boromir screams, almost dropping the camcorder.  
  
"BECAUSE, foolish son of BRIEF kings, do you WANT Pippin to DIE?" Gandalf says.

"Hey, just because you're immortal don't mean you can boss us all around!" Boromir says, as a big fight ensues with him and Gandalf and all the other immortals on the trolley.  
  
Pippin is back in his seat, hiding his head in his hands and looking like he's about to cry. Suddenly, the trolley comes to a full and complete stop.  
  
"Everyone, remain calm! I am trained in these situations! How 'bout we all go into that cave over there?" Legolas says, ushering the tour group into a cave. Why the hell are they going into a cave? Nutters....  
  
"Why are we going into a cave?" Sam asks, expressing the authoress's thoughts on the subject matter.  
  
"Because Legolas said to." Merry says, punching Sam in the arm- hard.  
  
"OWW!!" Sam yells, as the entrance to the cave, which just so happened to be surrounded by boulders, gets sealed off by said boulders, trapping the tour group in the cave.

* * *

Well, lookee here, a cliffhanger ending! Oh, how fun this'll be! Well, cheerio, pip pip, and all that stuff. Pippin rules my world. And so does Faramir!! Erm, check back soon!


	8. Lost in the Cave! Part 1

A/N: And now, more of this chapter entitled: "In which Legolas gets the TV crew, the Hobbits, Aragorn, Elrond, and Eowyn into major trouble, etc...." Uh, Faramir now has 6 votes, and Boromir has 1. On with the show!!!

* * *

As the tour group was in the cave, Legolas was cackling happily to himself. He had nearly succeeded in his plot to murder them all, so he could be king. Evil, isn't he?  
  
"Yes, and once they're dead, then I'll RULE THE WORLD!!" He screamed. Walking back to the trolley, he happily munched on a ham and bologna sandwich.  
  
**_Meanwhile, in the cave.....  
_**  
"OHMIGOD WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!" Eowyn shrieked.  
  
"OHMIGOD I'LL NEVER SEE MINAS TIRITH AGAIN!!!" Boromir screamed into the microphone for the camera.  
  
"NO I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE!!!" Normally Lego would say this but since he's not here, it passes to the other elf, Elrond. Elrond screamed this into Sam's ear.  
  
"NO, MY EARS! YOU CREEPY ELF! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???" Sam screamed at Elrond, except he screamed it in Pippin's ears.  
  
"WHAT IS YOUR FREAKIN' PROBLEM, SAM??" Pippin screamed, meaning it for Sam but instead screaming it in Aragorn's ear.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL, PIPPIN?!!" Aragorn screamed into Faramir's ear.  
  
"WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, ARAGORN?" Faramir said, yelling into Merry's ear.  
  
"FARAMIR YOU IDIOT! THAT HURT!!" Merry yelled, and Gandalf received the full blast of it.  
  
"WHAT IS YOUR FUCKIN' PROBLEM, MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK?" He yelled, and by now everyone got yelled at and got their ears yelled into. Everyone was amazed that Gandalf swore.  
  
"I'm sick of this. Let's find out what this cave is." Boromir says, getting to his feet.  
  
"It's dark, you idiot! How're we supposed to see anything?" Faramir contradicted.  
  
"Let there be light." Boromir says, and suddenly the cave they were in was filled with light.  
  
"Whoa..." Pippin says, and got up.  
  
"Dude, that's bright!" Merry says, shielding his eyes.  
  
Everyone else gets up and looks at Boromir, who is glowing.  
  
"How'd you do that?" Sam asks, looking at Boromir.  
  
"Uh, in all honesty I really don't know." Boromir says.  
  
Suddenly, a crunching noise is heard from inside the cave. The group moves to check it out.  
  
"What is that?" Merry asks.  
  
"Why do you think we're following the sound? So we can find out!!" Pippin yells at Merry, having his occasional flash of brilliance.  
  
Everyone stares at Pippin, who has just supplied the most logic this chapter has seen so far.  
  
"How did you know that?" Gandalf says.  
  
"Well, due to the fact that the sound waves from this object are unbeknownst to our ears, and at the rate they are traveling, approximately 2.5 miles per second, they reach our ears approximately 3.5 minutes after they are emitted from the creature making the noise, we are held in the dark unknowing of what that noise is. This means that as we progress further into the cave, the sounds will get louder, approximately at the rate of an increase of 1 percent of volume per 1 minute, and therefore, as the creature is approximately 5.9 miles in to the cave, and we are going at a pace of 2 miles a minute, we can herby say that we shall reach the source of the noise in about 5 minutes and .0012 seconds, thereby finding out what the noise is and what is emitting it." Pippin says.  
  
Everyone in the cave looks at him. Their jaws are hanging open, and no one in the world knows how Pippin knew that. No one.  
  
"Pip, how in tarnation did you know that?" Elrond asks.  
  
"Uh, I didn't." Pip says.  
  
"Well, what were those words coming from your mouth?" Aragorn says.  
  
"That was my theorem." Pip says.  
  
"No, it would be your theory." Merry says. "A theorem is in algebra. The Pythagorean Theorem, for example."  
  
"The Pyromaniac Theorem?" Boromir asks.  
  
"No, Pythagorean." Merry says.  
  
"Pyromainian." Boromir says.  
  
"No, foolish idiot!" Merry says, cuffing Boromir on the head.  
  
"PYTHAGOREAN!!!!" Pippin screams, to the amazement of all.  
  
"Oh, Pythagorean." Boromir says.  
  
"How do Hobbits know these things?" Eowyn asks. The crunching sound is heard again.  
  
"Uh, perhaps we should go check that out." Elrond says.  
  
"No, really?" Faramir says.  
  
They start walking. Without their noticing, Boromir's glow is slowly fading. Faramir and Pippin are talking, and get separated from the group. Boromir and Merry are talking and also get separated. Aragorn and Eowyn get separated, along with Sam and Elrond. Gandalf is the only one who is not talking to someone and therefore doesn't get separated. Suddenly, Boromir comes to the realization that he and Merry are not with the group.  
  
"Uh, where are we, son of Gondor?" Merry asks.  
  
"Why does everyone call me that? Was Gondor my mom and dad? NO, they weren't! It was Denethor and Finduilas!! DENETHOR AND FINDUILAS!!!" Boromir screams.  
  
"God, the fact that Denethor could have found a wife amazes me to no end!" Merry says  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"I AM NOT THE SON OF GONDOR!!!"  
  
"Calm down! It's an honorary title, anyway!!" Merry says, as he slumps to the floor.  
  
"Aww, I'm sorry little Hobbit dude. Son of...the Shire." Boromir says.  
  
"Son of the Shire?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"This is awful! I'd kill someone to get out of this situation!" Merry says bitterly.  
  
"And some people would kill _you _to be in this situation. Next to the Son of Gondor, also called Boromir...in the dark...." Boromir says.  
  
"EW!! That's vile! That's putrid! That's nasty!" Merry shrieks.  
  
"What? That's the truth! Isn't it, ladies?" Boromir asks.

* * *

A/N: Well, once again there is a cliffhanger ending. And here's another question. Isn't it the truth that you'd kill Merry to be in his position? Well, whatever. Soon, we shall find out what happens to Pippin and Faramir, and all the rest who are stuck in this cave. And I am not sure if Pippin's Theory is correct, seeing as how I'm bad at math. It was meant for fun and not to teach you anything. Uh, let's sing the song about reviewing, shall we? Erm, or not.... 


	9. Lost in the Cave! Part 2

A/N: here is more of what happens in that cave, which now has a name! Yep, it's officially titled/named Annon edhellen! Yay! All aboard for Annon edhellen! Thanks for the wonderful reviews; they were splendiferous.

* * *

**_Meanwhile, outside the cave known as Annon edhellen...._**  
  
"I am Legoman no more." Legolas says, throwing a suit not unlike Spiderman's- except for the fact that it is green and brown instead of blue and red and has a bow and arrow crossed on the front instead of a spider- into a trashcan in the woods. Legolas has been to the special Mirkwood Premiere of Spiderman 2 and now he's got crazy ideas in his head.  
  
"No matter what I do, the ones I love will always come first." He continues, quoting from the TV adds. Although he's seen the movie so he can probably quote from that.  
  
"Ah. Now that I'm done being Legoman, I will go eat a sandwich." He says, going to the trolley and eating a cheese and Vegemite sandwich.  
  
**_Meanwhile, in the cave known as Annon edhellen....  
_**  
"Oh, my god, Boromir, we're going to die!!" Merry screams, forgetting about what Boromir said to him and screaming his head off.  
  
"Relax, Merry, Son of the Shire. Let Uncle Boromir wipe away your tears." Boromir says.  
  
"I am NOT crying! And you are NOT my UNCLE!!" Merry screams, jumping to his feet.  
  
"What? Relax, Merry, sister-son." Boromir says.  
  
"You ARE NOT MY UNCLE!!!" Merry says.  
  
"Alright, just tryin' to have some fun with you." Boromir says.  
  
"That just sounded so sick and perverted that I am going to puke." Merry says, and tries to do so. Unfortunately, he can't.  
  
"Hey, wait! Boromir, you're glowing again! Let's go find the others!" Merry says, as the two head off to find the others.  
  
In another part of Annon edhellen, also called the cave,  
  
"Merry? Merry? MERRY!!" Pippin yelled. He was going crazy, slowly but surely.  
  
"Hey, calm down, spaz." Faramir says, trying to calm the slightly insane Pippin down.  
  
"AHH! Don't touch me, you filthy, evil, mean, creepy, dirty, malevolent, bastard!" Pippin yells.  
  
"Hey, calm down!" Faramir says, taken aback.  
  
"Oh! Wait, you're not Boromir!" Pippin says.  
  
"No, I'm not. I'm his brother." Faramir says, on the verge of tears.  
  
"Oh, Faramir, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to call you..uh, what did I call you?" Pippin asks.  
  
"You forgot?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Oh. Hey, wanna hear a joke?" Faramir asks, brightening up a bit.  
  
"Sure!" Pip says, bouncing around and quickly consuming a packet of sugar.  
  
"Ok. A guy walked into a bar. Ouch!" Faramir says.  
  
"Why'd you say ouch? Are you hurt?" Pippin asks.  
  
"No, it's the punch line."  
  
"Punch what line?"  
  
"No, it's part of the joke."  
  
"What joke?"  
  
"A guy walked into a bar. Ouch!"  
  
"Are you hurt again, Faramir?"  
  
"No, it's the punch line!"  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"The joke!"  
  
"You told a joke?"  
  
"For Eru's sake, you trivial minded, simple minded, idiotic little hobbit! The joke is that a man walked into a bar! As in a metal bar! That would hurt, wouldn't it? So he said ouch!!!" Faramir screams, nearly blowing a short circuit.  
  
"Why didn't you say that in the first place?"  
  
Faramir makes a move as to strangle Pippin. Unfortunately, the brutal deaths of other characters in the story are frowned upon.  
  
"Ok, Faramir, you know what?" Pippin says innocently. I doubt that Pippin has ever been innocent.  
  
"No, I simply can't guess." Faramir says sarcastically.  
  
"If I ever get out of here, and if I ever get married, I'm gonna name my kid after you!" Pip says energetically.  
  
"Oh, that's great." Faramir says, worried that the son of Pippin would forever taint his name. Faramir dearly hoped that the woman Pippin married was more intelligent than, oh, say, a rock! Pippin's IQ must be like, 2 or something. Maybe this lady's IQ would be, like, 200, and then their kid would be decently smart.  
  
"Yeah! And you can be his godfather!"  
  
"Oh, super!" Faramir says, his words dripping with sarcasm.  
  
"And you can visit him every day and show him how to shoot a bow!"  
  
"One problemo, Pip, your kid will be like, 2 feet tall, there is no way that he will be able to shoot a bow."  
  
"Oh. How 'bout teach him how to slice heads off Orcs?"  
  
"Again, height disadvantage. And the fact that there might not be any Orcs around hasn't occurred to you, has it?"  
  
"No. Sorry."  
  
"Forgiven."  
  
"Hey, Faramir?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You wouldn't be able to teach my kid how to chop heads off Orcs because there might not be any left!!"  
  
Again, Faramir tries to strangle Pippin. Faramir was getting pretty bored sitting here with Pippin, IQ 2, so he decided that they had best try and find the others. 

"Come on, little Hobbit dude, we gotta find the others."  
  
"Uh, we don't have light."  
  
"Good point."

* * *

A/N: So, that's more of what happened in the cave! I have willingly made fun of Faramir and Pippin! NO! Stay tuned! Next: Aragorn and Eowyn in a Dark Cave.... 


	10. Lost in the Cave! Part 3

A/N: You people make me so mad!! No one has reviewed about them all getting stuck in a cave!! I am so mad! Vengeance will be mine!! Here comes the apocalypse!! Or not. Sorry. Just review the last chapters and everything will be ok. Get it? Got it? Good.

* * *

**_Meanwhile, outside the cave named Annon edhellen_...  
**  
Legolas has been skipping around, dancing like a pansy. In his time of joy, he has neglected the fact that there was a bad effect on his hair from the conditioner. Waltzing around, he has been looking like a goon. Suddenly, the camera shot goes down to the ground, where we see a massive chunk of blonde hair on the ground. Though it's lying in the dirt, it's sparkly clean. And then, we see the back of Lego's head, where a big chunk of hair is missing.  
  
**_Meanwhile, inside Annon edhellen...  
_**  
Aragorn and Eowyn have been separated from the group. Uh, this can't possible be good for a story. I mean...whatever.  
  
"Dear, are you alright?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"I think so!" Eowyn answers.  
  
"Are you injured?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"I twisted my ankle!" Eowyn screams.  
  
Suddenly, like in those funny soap operas, a rock falls on Eowyn's head and she goes into a coma.  
  
"Sammi!" Aragorn says, then realizes that he is not Chad and she is not Sammi and they are not in General Hospital. "Uh, I mean, Eowyn!"  
  
She is busy being knocked out, passed out, and in a coma.  
  
"Dear! I promise, if I have to revive you with my own breath, I will! Hold on! We'll get you to a hospital!" Aragorn says, picking Eowyn up in his arms.  
  
It suddenly dawns on him that they are stuck in a cave.  
  
"Dang!"

---------------

**_ Meanwhile, elsewhere in the cave..._**  
  
Elrond is busy freaking out, while Sam is thinking over the situation.  
  
"Elrond! For heaven's sake, behave like a man!" Sam says.  
  
"I'm only half man!!" Elrond screams.  
  
"Well, behave like half a man and half a...what are you?" Sam asks, puzzled.  
  
"I'm an ELF, damnit! See the ears??" Elrond asks, going ballistic.  
  
"Relax! Please. Let's calm down and discuss our lives." Sam says.  
  
"Alright."  
  
"Now, I was born to Hamfast Gamgee. I never knew my mother. She died when I was two or something. That's when I started to eat to calm myself down. I mean, I ate more. Frodo was a real idiot when we were growing up. He was always calling me fat and telling me to call Jenny Craig. Yeah, right. So then I decided that I should play football for Hobbiton United. So I did. I was the center. I was real good. Then I broke my ankle. Auntie Marjorie had to come in from Bree and take me to the hospital there. It hurt a lot. The nice nurse, her name was Sandra, made sure I was healthy. She had an affair with my doctor, Chad, and then things turned into General Hospital. Weird. So, anyway, I got back to Hobbiton, and everything was ok. People started to call me Rudy. No idea why. So, yeah, then I went on some cock-and-bull journey, and that Elrond dude scared me with his eyebrows. Then, Boromir, that idiot, tried to kill Frodo. It was twisted. Then I came home, married Rosie, who is my sister-in-law, and had 13 kids." Sam says, rattling on and on.  
  
Elrond has been looking at Sam with a crazed expression in his eyes. He looks insane.  
  
"Elrond? Buddy? You ok?" Sam asks.  
  
"ARGH!!" Elrond says, loosing his mind and trying to strangle Sam. "Freaky eyebrows, eh? Well, we'll just see about that!"  
  
Suddenly, Elrond's left eyebrow jumps off his head and does a tap dance on a rock. Sam and Elrond look on in amazement. The eyebrow finishes and scurries away.  
  
"That was surreal." Says Elrond.  
  
"Freaky." Sam says.  
  
"Can I tell you about my life?" Elrond asks.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Ahem. I was born 6,078 years ago. My mother was really mean to me, and used to call me El and Rondy. It was disturbing. My father was never home, he was always out drinking or something. The Feanorians were not a happy subject matter. They always fought with each other or something. So I ran away from home. I went to someplace, where I started a lovely city called Rivendell. I seriously wanted to call it Elrond's City of Love, but no self respecting Elf would call it that.

So, anyway, I met some wild and crazy Elf chick at Lothlorien Summerfest, in the mosh. I forgot her name. Oh well. She was cool. Real cool. She and I got married, except her old man, Celeborn, wasn't a good cookie and didn't want us to get married. He said I was mentally unstable. Oh, well. She was rich and hot, so I took her to Rivendell, we got married, and then we had twins, Elrohir and Eledan, and Arwen.

Then we met this kid, Estel, and we took him in. Never take in orphans, ok? This Estel dude, he fell in love with Arwen, and then she went parading around wearing his ring! The ring of Barahir!! You know, teenagers. Punks. So, yeah. She gave him her Evenstar pendant, and then he started parading around wearing that, and then I got to thinking, This guy's a bit fruity. So then, I made up some excuse to get her away from Estel, who was called Aragorn, and I said she couldn't wed him unless he was king of Arnor and Gondor. Well, this punk became king, and I was all, Ok, Arwen, you can marry him. And then he goes and leaves! She went to the freakin' undying lands! After all my troubles, all those lies about why she couldn't marry him, she goes and leaves!!" Elrond screams, breaking down and crying.  
  
"You were called Rondy?" Sam asks.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"You eloped with this 'wild and crazy elf chick'?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"You called Aragorn fruity?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Whoa. You have issues."  
  
Elrond breaks down into tears.  
  
"There, there." Sam says, patting Elrond on the back.  
  
"My whole life has been ruined! Everything is destroyed! I tried to kill Frodo, ya hear?" Elrond screams.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You know how Frodo got food poisoning in Rivendell right before he left? That was real poison! I wanted the ring! I tried to take the ring from Frodo. I would be the master of the precious! And you would all love me and despair! The ring is mine!" Elrond says, going through a Boromir, a Gollum, a Galadriel, and a Frodo moment. Eventually, he slumps over on his rock and goes unconscious.  
  
"Wow, Elrond. You are such a disappointment." Sam says, sitting down.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You are a disappointment to the Elf species."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Once again, Elrond goes insane, crying his eyes out. Sam just looks on in horror.

* * *

A/N: Next up, What Gandalf did alone in the cave. Then, we'll finally find out about what happened with that mysterious crunching sound, and will Eowyn ever get up from her coma? Find out tomorrow, on Days of Our Lives: Middle Earth. I mean, in the next exciting installment of Has the Apocalypse Come Yet? Had to put in Elrond's dancing eyebrow. Yes, more poking fun at Soap Operas! Live From Annon edhellen, -Anduril


	11. Lost in the Cave! The Finale

A/N: Hmm, some reviews have come in, but the poor authoress has been whiling away at her computer typing and no one cares. Well, that's a fine how do you do! Grrr. So, review so I can hand out free stuff. Let's see, I handed out burgers, rhubarb pie, and fries. I think I'll hand out...**tickets to be with Legolas in a hot tub**! You can't refuse that one!

* * *

**_Meanwhile, outside...well, you know, the cave..._**  
  
More of Legolas's hair has been falling out. Little golden clumps are lying on the forest floor. More bald spots are on his head. The idiot—I mean, the rather attractive Elvish Prince—has not noticed. How thick could you get?  
  
**_Meanwhile, in the cave...  
_**  
Gandalf has assumed the fetal position and has been muttering to himself.  
  
"I am sixteen going on seventeen...The hills are alive...Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...yaddatadda...." Gandalf says, rocking back and forth.  
  
Suddenly, a rock being kicked his way snaps him out of his insanity.

"AIII!! THE ALIENS HAVE FOUND ME!! AIIIII!" He screams.  
  
"Gandalf?" Asks a glowing Boromir and a confused Merry.  
  
"My friends!"  
  
"Let's go find the others!" And off they go!  
  
They soon come upon the others, and I would not relate the events that happened, due to the fact that they make rather boring story lines. Faramir and Pippin were found right before Faramir strangled Pippin; they found Sam and Elrond, who was sobbing hysterically.  
  
"Wait! Shouldn't we find out where Aragorn and Eowyn are?" Faramir asks.  
  
"Uh, little bro, maybe you shouldn't see...what...they...are...erm, doing?" Boromir asks.  
  
"What?" Faramir asks.  
  
"I mean...erm..." Boromir says.  
  
"Are you implying that I can't have..." Faramir starts, before the whole group yells, "PG-13!!"  
  
"I mean, are you implying that I won't be able to have children?" Faramir asks.  
  
"Erm, I wouldn't go that far..."  
  
"Well, ok, Mr. Eunuch, here's to you!" Faramir screams, and kicks Boromir in the groin with tremendous force.  
  
"Did that hurt?"  
  
"Yes...it...did." Moans Boromir, rolling on the cave floor.  
  
"Oh. Funny." Faramir says, while Sam is looking at the group confused and everyone else looks at the sky.  
  
"Wait! We're in a cave. There is no sky." Pippin says. Everyone is so shocked at Pip's intellectual skills in this story that they are about to faint.  
  
"Why does Pip have all the good ideas? I should! I'm the son of the Steward!" Boromir pouts.  
  
"Well, yeah, but you're dead."  
  
"Shut up, Faramir."  
  
"You shut up, Bori!"  
  
"FARI!!"  
  
"BORI!!"  
  
"FARI!!"

"BORI!!"  
  
"FARI!!"

"BORI!!"  
  
"FARI!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" Screamed Aragorn.  
  
"FineSorryAragorn." Muttered Faramir.  
  
"I'mNotSorryButWhatever." Murmured Boromir.  
  
"WAIT!! How'd you get here?" It has just dawned on them that Aragorn was not with them in the previous moments.  
  
"I, erm, teleported, ah, here." Aragorn says.  
  
"Whoa! You look chunky!" Merry says.  
  
"Oh, thanks."  
  
"Is that a mushroom??" Pip asks.  
  
"Erm, yes, it appears to be so!" Aragorn says.  
  
"GIMME!!" Pip screams.  
  
"No! Pip!" Merry says.  
  
"Halfling!" Boromir says, grabbing Pip's leg.  
  
"Leggo! LEGGO!!" Pip screams.  
  
"Lego? Where's he?" Asks Aragorn.  
  
"No! LEGGO!" Pip yells.  
  
"Where?"  
  
"LEGGO MY EGGO!" Elrond says.  
  
"..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Guys?"  
  
"Erm...Elrond?"  
  
"Yes, would-be-son-in-law?"  
  
"Can you erm, back away?"  
  
"From?"  
  
"The giant spider behind you?"  
  
"AIIIII!!!"  
  
Elrond faints as everyone else pulls their swords.  
  
"Die!" Aragorn and Boromir yell.  
  
Heroicaly, they charge at the spider. They stab the spider and it dies.  
  
"Well."  
  
They suddenly hear that crunching sound.  
  
"Let's go check it out!" Faramir says.  
  
"Ooh, great idea!" Boromir sarcastically says.  
  
"Hey, why're you so mean?"  
  
"Because I am. It's the way life is!"  
  
"Shut up, Bori!"  
  
"FARI!"  
  
"BORI!!"  
  
"FARI!!!"  
  
"BORI!!!!"

"FARI!!!!!"  
  
"BORI!!!!!!"  
  
"FARI!!!!!!!"  
  
"BORI!!!!!!!!"  
  
And on and on it went...until Aragorn placed duct tape over their mouths.  
  
"Mmph!"  
  
"Uhmph! Pphme!!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't ridicule them, Aragorn." Says Sam.  
  
Elrond has woken up and is running around.  
  
"Wait!"  
  
"What, Elrond?"  
  
"Let's find out that noise!"  
  
"OK!" and off they go...

Elrond is leading them, with Aragorn behind. Merry and Pippin are leading the duct taped Boromir and Faramir, and Sam is bringing up the rear with Gandalf. Suddenly, they realize the path they are taking is sloping downwards.  
  
"Aren't we supposed to go upwards?" Pip asks.  
  
"Hey, I'm the ranger, not you!" Aragorn retorts.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
They suddenly see a light at the end of a tunnel!  
  
"OH, NO! WE'VE ALL DIED!" Aragorn screams.  
  
"Where's Eowyn?"  
  
"Good question."  
  
"Weren't you with her?"  
  
"Well, I was, until a rock fell on her head and put her into a coma."

"And how'd she pop into this conversation?"

"I don't know. Good question."

"Who even brought her up?"

"Yeah, really!"

They approach the end of the tunnel and come upon a door! Faramir and Boromir rip off the duct tape from their mouths.  
  
"Look, a door!" Says Faramir.  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Boromir says.

"Shut up, Bori."

"You shut up, Fari!"

"BORI!"

"FARI!!"

"BORI!!!"

"FARI!!!!"

"BORI!!!!!"

"FARI!!!!!!"  
  
"Let's open it!" Elrond says, ignoring the two arguing. However, their yells make the others not able to hear him. But Aragorn again duct tapes their mouths. Faramir and Boromir rip the tape off, promising not to yell. They head towards the door.

"Are we gonna open it?" Asks Sam.   
  
They do so, despite the fact that they don't know what's behind it or anything.  
  
"Oh...my...God!" Sam exclaims.  
  
It was at this moment that the All-Mighty Authoress remembered that this story lacked a few main characters! So with a modification to the plot, presto!  
  
"Gimli?"  
  
"Gollum?"  
  
"Frodo?"  
  
"Galadriel?"  
  
"Haldir?"  
  
"Theoden?"  
  
"Father?"  
  
For around a circular table sit, indeed, Gimli, Gollum, Frodo, Galadriel, Haldir, and Denethor.  
  
"DADDY!" Shrieks Boromir.  
  
Faramir rolls his eyes.  
  
"Look! Another door!" Says Merry.  
  
"No, really?" Asks Aragorn sarcastically.  
  
"Look! Gimli's got our salted pork!" Merry exclaims.  
  
"GET IT!!" Pip yells.  
  
Merry and Pippin proceed to steal Gimli's salted pork. He chases after them with an axe and they manage to escape. As they walk out, the people at the table just sit there.  
  
"Are you coming?" Asks Aragorn.  
  
"No. We get paid to sit here and make crunching sounds."  
  
"Really, now? Can I apply?" Asks Sam.  
  
"No, besides, it's reserved for, um, people who, er, well...I mean no." Frodo says.  
  
"Out, ssstupid fat hobbit." Gollum sneers.  
  
"Fine." Sam sobs.  
  
They all walk out, minus the people at the table, and once again emerge into the sunlight. And so ends the Lost In A Cave Series.

* * *

A/N: well, this chapter seemed long, although I guess it wasn't. Must have been the two word sentences. Well, whatever. Review so I can write more! Long chapters rule! Whoo!


	12. When Everyone's out of the Cave and Ever...

A/N: welcome back! We're going to have more of the Faramir Variety Hour, which had been moved due their little adventure in the cave. So review!

* * *

"Hey, everyone, welcome back to my television show! I know you all missed me very much!" Faramir says. His face is covered in little Band-Aids and he has a bite mark on his hand.  
  
"Ok, well we should tell them why we've been off-air." Boromir says. He is wearing a sling for his arm and is standing on crutches.  
  
"Ok, Boromir. He's our story of how we sustained these injuries." Faramir says as a flashback begins.  
  
**/FLASHBACK!!/**  
  
"I am going to kill Legolas slowly and painfully!" Aragorn says, shaking a fist.  
  
"I am going to chop his head off and mount it on a spike!" Boromir says.  
  
"Like that uruk-hai thing!" Aragorn says.  
  
"Erm, yeah." Boromir says.  
  
Pippin and Merry are discussing what electric drills can do. 

Faramir is muttering, "Bring wood and oil! Wood and oil! He's burning! Burning, I say! BURNING!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
Everyone looks at Faramir like, "What the hell, man?"  
  
"Erm, exposure to one pyromaniac is dangerous to one's health." Faramir says.  
  
"LOOK! It's LEGOLAS!" Aragorn yells. Everyone pulls out torches and pitchforks, even though it is noon.  
  
"Eep! You weren't supposed to show up alive!" Legolas says. "Did I say that out loud?"  
  
"DIE, ELF, DIE!!!" Boromir yells, charging at Legolas and then stopping short.  
  
"Where. Is. Your. Hair?" Boromir asks.  
  
Legolas's hand runs over his head, which is now shining and bald.  
  
"NOOO!!" Legolas screams, assuming the fetal position and rocking back and forth muttering, "No hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair..."  
  
The rest of the group runs over and starts to laugh.  
  
"I don't get it." Pip says.  
  
"You wouldn't." Merry replies.  
  
"Ohh! Legolas is a BALDIE!" Pippin howls with laughter and rolls around.  
  
Merry shakes his head in disgust.

"That's it, Hobbit!" Legolas yells, as he charges at Pippin. Legolas tries to beat up Pip, and Merry jumps in. Boromir and Aragorn scream, "Halflings!" And jump in, pounding Legolas. Gandalf and Elrond jump in, beating Legolas. Sam jumps in and gets a purple eye. Faramir jumps in and Legolas bites his hand.

"Well, Mr. Legolas, do you think it's funny to abandon your tour group in a cave?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"N-n-no."  
  
"And do you think it's funny that we almost died in there?"  
  
"N-nn-no."  
  
"And do you realize the seriousness of what you have done?"  
  
"Y-yy-yes."  
  
"Good. No further questions."  
  
The group walks away. Suddenly, a shape is seen behind Legolas. Liquid splashes over Lego's body as a match is heard being lit. Tossing the match at Legolas, Faramir runs away cackling maniacally.  
  
"No! Stay this madness!" Boromir grabs him and douses the bonfire that is Legolas.  
  
"Nooo!! You cannot take this, erm, Elf, from, er, Gondor!" Faramir yells.

"Those are are lines!" Scream Gandalf and Denethor's voice.

"Freaky."  
  
"CONTROL YOURSELF!!" Boromir screams, slapping Faramir across the face.  
  
"Fine."  
  
The group leaves Legolas there as they walk out. Legolas is left there soaking wet and dazed.  
  
**/UNFLASHBACK!!/**  
  
"Well. Now that the world knows that you're just like dear ol' dad..." Boromir says.  
  
"IT'S NOT TRUE!!"  
  
"Yes it is!"  
  
"IS NOT"  
  
"Oh, grow up!" Yelled Aragorn, running in front of the camera.  
  
"That was surreal."  
  
"Tell me about it."  
  
"Well, we would have a program, except for the fact that there is no one scheduled to appear today. Why not go to the Library or rent a movie? I hear Spider Man is very good." Boromir says.  
  
"You fool! We should encourage the rental of The Lord of the Rings, Parts 1 through 3, directed by Peter Jackson. Starring Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn, Elijah Wood as Frodo, Ian McKellen as Gandalf, Dom Monaghan as Merry, Billy Boyd as Pippin, Sean Astin as Sam, and, of course, David Wenham as Faramir." Faramir says.  
  
"And, of course, Sean Bean as the ever-attractive Boromir!" Boromir says.  
  
"Ever-attractive? Puh-lease!" Faramir says.  
  
"Oh, grow up!"  
  
"That hurt." Faramir says.  
  
"Wait. Isn't it a bit freaky to advertise a movie where people play us? I mean, we're real and all, and no one has to play us in a movie! Couldn't they have asked us?"  
  
"Yeah! I mean, come on!"  
  
"This is disgusting! Don't rent Lord of the Rings! We should have been in it! They gypped us of movie status!" Boromir screams.  
  
"Yeah! Talk about it. 'Oh, great casting! Couldn't have been better!' Yes it could have been! WE should have been in it!" Faramir yells.  
  
"I know! What a gyp! That's disgusting!" Boromir says.  
  
"It's simply wretched!"  
  
"From now on, I'm only watching movies where the real people play themselves!"  
  
"Good luck."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Well, I think that this show is over." Boromir says  
  
"Amen to that." Faramir replies  
  
"Let's go see a play!" Boromir happily says.  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"Cinderella?"  
  
"Ok!"  
  
"WAIT! I have to give the credits: To all of this authoress's loyal reviewers of which there is a small amount, she is eternally grateful. Mwah!" Boromir says as he blows you all kisses, none of which are from me, seeing as I'm a girl and...eew.

* * *

A/N: Well, we shall now continue with the regularly scheduled events for this story. And I totaly want you all to watch Lord of the Rings, I just had to put that bit in. Yay!! 


	13. Arwen's Back

A/N: Hey, welcome! A new chapter is rising! Whoo! Ok, here is more of the Faramir Talk show, with everyone's favorites put in.

* * *

"Hi. We're back. It's now 12:30 in the morning, and our official sit-down protest is kicking off." Faramir says.  
  
"Why do you do these things?" Boromir asks, mortified.  
  
"I'm an activist." Faramir proudly replies.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Activist. You don't eat bacon bits, you don't drink milk, you hold these protests. May I ask who you're protesting against?" Boromir asks. He is, needless to say, not sitting.  
  
"I'm protesting against Aragorn. I demand higher salary for all I do!" Faramir says.  
  
"That could land you a one way ticket to a block. And not a good block, mind." Boromir says.  
  
"What...what kind of block?" Faramir asks, going a bit paler.  
  
"An...an executioner's block." Boromir says.  
  
"Eep! No! You don't mean that!" Faramir says.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Suddenly, the door opens and Pippin, Merry, Sam, Gandalf, and Elrond walk in.  
  
"Hey! Join the protest!" Faramir says.  
  
Everyone sits down.  
  
"I hope you know this is being caught on film!" Boromir says.  
  
"So what??"  
  
"It's your funeral." Boromir mutters.  
  
"WHATEVER!!"  
  
They all start to chant, minus Boromir, who is filming this.  
  
"We want money! To pay for honey! We're not able to pay for cable! We want salary raises! To pay for going to corn mazes!" the protesters chant.  
  
"You know, your chants are totally irrelevant to the situation!" Boromir says.  
  
"Hey! Don't rain on our parade!" Pip says.  
  
Suddenly, the ceiling water sprinklers go off.  
  
"DANG!!" Faramir yells.  
  
"What the HELL are you doing down there?" Aragorn's voice comes down the stairs.  
  
"Don't say I didn't tell you." Boromir says.  
  
"Why did the sprinklers go off?" Merry asks.  
  
"Arwen!" Aragorn yells.  
  
"She's not here!" Sam yells. "She's over the sea!"  
  
"No, actually, she's here and she's pretty pissed at me!" Aragorn says.  
  
"Dang."  
  
"Well, now that Arwen's set fire to your stove...."  
  
"She WHAT??"  
  
"Calm down!"  
  
"That was a Black and Decker! That was expensive!!"  
  
"Chill! I'll buy you a new one! Just what are you screaming about?"  
  
"The fact that I have no money to buy my own stove!"  
  
"You've got money!"  
  
"YOU CHEATING LIAR! HOW COULD YOU?!!" Arwen's voice is carried down the stairs.  
  
"Dear, please!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
"Oof!"  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"No idea. It sounded like Aragorn getting the snot kicked out of him by Arwen." Boromir says.  
  
"Heeeee!" Pippin shrieks in laughter at the thought of Aragorn getting beat up by Arwen.

"Let's hear some music!"

"Like?"

"Erm....Black Sabbath?"

"FINE!!! BE THAT WAY!! I HATE YOU!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY!!!" Arwen yells.

* * *

A/N: Well, the next chapter of the protest is coming! Look soon! Review this chapter.


	14. Arwen beats Up Legolas

A/N: Hey, I'm back! Isn't it amazing? No, it honestly isn't. So, now that Arwen's back, what will she do about the Faramir Talk Show? Is this it's last episode ever?

* * *

"I'm sorry, Arwen! Elrond lied to me!" Aragorn says.  
  
"MY DADDY WOULD BEVER TELL A LIE!!" Arwen yells.  
  
"I'm sorry! I really love you, Arwen! You mean the world to me!" Aragorn says.  
  
"Sure. Uh huh."  
  
"I really love you!!! With all my heart, soul, and mind!" Aragorn says.  
  
"What is going on down there?" Arwen asks.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
In the basement...  
  
"What if Arwen makes us cancel the show?" Faramir says, panicked.  
  
"She better not!" Boromir says.  
  
"Eat DARKNESS!" Legolas screams, hacking into the control board and turning off the lights.  
  
"DANG!!" Scream Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Sam, and Elrond.  
  
"Hey, Elrond? Your daughter's beating Aragorn to a pulp." Sam says.  
  
"Good for her." Elrond says.  
  
Suddenly, we see Legolas with a giant torch.  
  
"I'd turn around, Elrond."  
  
"Oh, sure." He turns and sees Legolas. "WHAT IS YOUR FREAKIN' PROBLEM??"  
  
"Hee...you must DIE! DIE NOW!!" Legolas screams.  
  
"He always messes up my show!" Faramir moans, sinking to his knees and sobbing.  
  
"Legolas! Go upstairs and do that to Arwen!" Boromir says.  
  
And so the little Elf Prince does so.  
  
We see Arwen screaming at Aragorn, about why he rented out his basement to Faramir, why he went off with Eowyn, why the blondes always win, and why he let her go.  
  
"I'm sorry, dear!" Aragorn says. He then sees Legolas behind Arwen.  
  
"I'd turn around." He cautions.  
  
"Oh, sure." But Arwen turns around anyway.  
  
"WHAT IS YOUR FUCKIN' PROBLEM???" she screams.  
  
Faramir, Boromir, Elrond, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Gandalf hear the sounds of someone being beat into a little pulp.  
  
"She really has anger." Merry comments.  
  
"Poor Aragorn." Pippin says.  
  
"Legolas is getting beat up by a GIRL!" Gandalf screams.  
  
"My daughter always made me proud!" Elrond sniffs, wiping away a tear from his eye.  
  
"Ah, the sounds of Legolas being pulverized." Boromir says.  
  
"He deserved it." Faramir says.  
  
"Not really sympathetic, are you?" Sam asks.  
  
"No, not really." Faramir says.  
  
"I think we should get some chicken wings."  
  
"Buffalo?"  
  
"I know that buffaloes don't have wings, but how do you get Buffalo wings?" Elrond asks.  
  
"He sounds like Jessica Simpson!" Pippin remarks.  
  
"Sure!" Merry says.  
  
Everyone stares at Elrond in disgust.  
  
"What?" Elrond asks.  
  
"You know, I think all Elves are stupid like that." Boromir comments.  
  
"Arwen can seriously kick some butt." Faramir comments.  
  
"Good idea."  
  
"What? Who had an idea?" Elrond asks.  
  
"Really. Who did?" Faramir says.  
  
"I don't know. Let's sneak out the back and get some Starbucks and Buffalo wings." Sam suggests, and out they go.

* * *

A/N: So, next they are going to sneak out. Will Arwen catch them and beat them up? Or will they manage to escape? Stay tuned! 


	15. On the Way to Starbucks

A/N: And here we are, on the way to Starbucks and to get some Buffalo wings.

* * *

"Hey, Elrond, have you tried these new Ice Breakers Liquid Ice?" Faramir asks.  
  
"Is it ice or is it liquid?" Elrond asks.  
  
"Ok, Jessica." Faramir says.  
  
"Who's Jessica?" Elrond asks.  
  
"Ditz."  
  
The little group makes its way towards the local Starbucks. They climb out the back window to avoid Arwen.  
  
"What about Legolas?"  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"Ok, we'll just leave him there. We'll scoop up his remains and put them in a jar." Boromir says.  
  
"Doesn't Arwen scare you?" Merry asks, shaking.  
  
"No." Boromir says.  
  
"I can beat the snot out of her any day!" Gandalf says.  
  
"Ok, keep dreaming."  
  
"Go! She's coming down the stairs!!" Sam yells.  
  
"AII!" And they all jump out from the windows. Well, seeing as how they're in the basement, they rather scramble out the windows.  
  
"That was close!" Sam sighs.  
  
"Tell me about it."  
  
"Ok, we'd better get going."  
  
And so they walk off to Starbucks...  
  
"We need two mochas with whipped cream, two iced frappachinos, two iced coffees, and one hot chocolate with extra whipped cream." Sam says.  
  
"Ok, that'll be...$20.79." The cashier says.  
  
"WHAT??" Sam yells.  
  
"HEY, WANNA START SOMETHING??" Boromir asks, pointing his sword at the cashier and scaring him.  
  
"N-n-no." The cashier quakes.  
  
Suddenly, the door chimes from those annoying bells that let the staff know people have walked in and in walks...  
  
"ARWEN!!!"

* * *

A/N: Ah! A cliffhanger! Stay tuned! 


	16. The Second to the Last: Cliffs and Other...

A/N: I'm back! Hey, y'all, I'm here to tell you what's been happening. This is the second to the last chapter! Aww...another story ending suddenly. At least I'll be leaving you with a happy note. After this story, the rest of Boromir and Faramir's TV show is going to be a whole other story, no way tied to this. So, if you see something from this story, it's in there for the good of the people reading it for the first time. It's not word for word, but it'll be a bit the same. Just look for Faramir's TV show starting soon!

* * *

"ARWEN!!!!" Everyone yells, nearly wetting themselves.  
  
"Yeah, buddies, I'm here and you aren't getting any mercy!" Arwen says.  
  
"MERCY!!!" Boromir says.  
  
"We aren't getting any, remember?" Pippin asks.  
  
"Oh, dear." Merry says.  
  
"I have a plan." Faramir says.  
  
"Ok, what?" Everyone else asks.  
  
"Gandalf, Elrond, and Boromir can talk to her, and Merry, Pippin, and I !!!!" Faramir screams, rushing out of the Starbucks, Pippin and Merry in hot pursuit.  
  
"THANKS A LOT!!" Boromir yells, following his brother and knocking down some old lady with coffee, and then her handbag smacks him.  
  
"RUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Faramir yells, as he sees Arwen coming closer, a lit torch in her hand.  
  
"PLEASE MAY ERU SPARE MY SOUL!!!" Elrond yells, looking at his daughter with a crazed look.  
  
"You're all DEAD!!!" Arwen screams, tossing the torch at everyone.  
  
"THAT'S HOT!!" Faramir yells, seeing his shirt catch fire.  
  
"Why is it always me?" He asks, as Pippin puts out the flames.  
  
"I'm always saving you, too." Pippin says, as the two run fast to catch up.  
  
"ARGH!!!" Arwen yells.  
  
"SHE'S INSANE!!" Boromir screams.  
  
"No, really?" Pippin asks, running ahead of everyone else as fast as his hobbit feet can carry him.  
  
"Wait up!!!" Elrond yells, looking at Arwen with fear.  
  
"She's scaring me!" Merry cries, looking around with fear.  
  
"Where the hell are we running to?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Quick! Pull a Denethor and jump off that cliff!" Boromir instructs.  
  
"If it wasn't life and death, I'd laugh right now." Faramir says.  
  
"Ha, pulling a Denethor...that's a good one!" Pippin laughs.  
  
"If you haven't noticed, we're about to be killed by Arwen who wants our head!" Boromir says.  
  
"That cliff is coming up fast!!!!" Elrond screams.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Everyone yells, approaching the cliff at breakneck speed!

* * *

A/N: Oh, no! Whatever will happen to the group? Will Arwen kill them all? What happened to Legolas? Find out in the next chapter: the exciting conclusion of Has The Apocalypse Come Yet? 


	17. The Last Chapter and The End of all Thin...

A/N: Welcome back, everyone! Ok, this is the last chapter of Has the Apocalypse Come Yet? So sad. Oh, well. Ok, now you should look for Faramir's TV show, airing sometime next week.

* * *

"What the #$% are we going to do about that #$% cliff, &# it!" Elrond says.  
  
"I don't know. Jump?" Pippin says.  
  
"That's about all we can do!"  
  
"O YAVANA, LADY OF THE WOODS, SAVE US NOW!!!" Elrond says.  
  
"Faith won't save us!!" Merry yells.  
  
But suddenly, a massive pink hand, complete with nicely manicure nails, descends from on high and picks up Elrond and those around him. Which is everyone.  
  
"Does this mean that the Great Pumpkin is real, too?" Pippin asks. Suddenly, all goes dark...  
  
_Back at Faramir's Basement..._  
  
"Whoa. That was freaky."  
  
"Where's Arwen?"  
  
"Shall we get Legolas?"  
  
"What about Aragorn?"  
  
"Would Arwen be smitten from the Valar?"  
  
"My daughter!"  
  
"What's the Valar?"  
  
"Where's my daughter??"  
  
"Shouldn't you have thought of that before you called upon the Valar?"  
  
"What's the Valar?"  
  
"Who cares?"  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
"ARAGORN!!!"  
  
And Aragorn was standing on the stairwell, looking rather confuzzled.  
  
"Where's Arwen?"  
  
"She got sm---."  
  
"SHHH!"  
  
"Sorry, Merry."  
  
"What was that, Pip?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Ok...liar!"  
  
"Ok, let me tell." Elrond says.  
  
Elrond gets up and stands an inch away from Aragorn's face. Not really.  
  
"Ok, mister, my daughter went on a rampage. Clearly you've been neglecting her and have not given a though to what she'll do in those situations. You should have been more responsible!" Elrond says, with that last sentence poking Aragorn very hard in the chest.  
  
"Yeah, buddy? She's your daughter! You should have warned me! But no! What were you..." He pauses to count. "You 6 doing here, anyway? At least, I think there's six."  
  
"Lesson No. 3: Aragorn learns to Count." Boromir says, not at all minding his volume so just about everyone in the basement can hear.  
  
"Hey, punk, shut it!"  
  
"Sorry, my Lord King. Everyone knows I'm the better candidate for King..."  
  
"No, ME!"  
  
"I am!"  
  
"Hey, Aragorn."  
  
"ARWEN!!!"  
  
And after even more pointless screaming, everyone finally got back on track.  
  
And then, Legolas came down the stairs, looking very beat up and abused.  
  
"Hey, everyone." He said, his eyes covered by black and blue marks, and his arms revealing lovely bruises.  
  
"Oh, dear Leggy, I'm sorry for what I did!" Arwen says.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No."  
  
"..."  
  
"MEDIC!!!" Legolas screams.  
  
Two envelopes come zipping through the air.  
  
"Hey! We got into Oxford!!" Merry and Pippin say.  
  
"That's great."  
  
"We're gonna be smart!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"What about my TV show?" Faramir asks.  
  
Another piece of mail zips through the air.  
  
"Dear Mr. Faramir, your TV show has been moved to a more convenient time slot, starting on the third day of the last week of July, we hope to see your letter of consent, Mr. Harcourt." Faramir reads the letter.  
  
"We're going primetime!!" Boromir screams.  
  
And so it came to pass that the Apocalypse came, although no one really knew it, and the fifth age of Middle Earth came to pass. And everyone was happy, except for Arwen, and so ended the story. Remember, even drunks can get into Oxford if you've got a pansy elf around!

* * *

A/N: Hope you liked it. Look soon for Faramir's TV show, with even more outrageous stuff and craziness. It was great writing this, see you all at another story! 


End file.
